Oh look, a one-hundred-and-thirty-word intro before we even get to the main content. That's probably how I keep reaching such astronomical word counts. Anyway, I've decided today I'm going to briefly talk about Alien: Covenant, the latest instalment of the, now rather qualitatively lop-sided, Alien franchise. I'll give a quick sum-up of my thoughts like a review, but ultimately I'm here to confess a sin, for I feel I have somehow dishonoured myself and wasn't sure what other platform to confess on (I'm sure as hell not going to a church).
So, Alien: Covenant. After Prometheus was released five years ago (it's been five years? Jeez...), being explicitly pitched by director Ridley Scott as not being a prequel to Alien, many fans were disappointed when it turned out Prometheus really wasn't a direct prequel to Alien. I know, shock horror (although I may have been one of those guys). My issue was the ending seemed to be setting up practically a direct explanation for the crashed ship in Alien, then curve-balled at the last moment for no real reason. So now, to make more money, er, I mean, to try and bridge the narrative gap between Prometheus and Alien, Ridley Scott has released Alien: Covenant, the first of two sequels to Prometheus.
Overall, the film isn't great. I was definitely entertained when I was experiencing it, but once I was out of the cinema and I really started thinking about it, my opinion worsened. I think the worst part of the film is its characters: we're introduced to a crew of fifteen, of which only two are 'characterised' enough for you to even know their names. In fact, half of the crew are killed in the space of about five minutes barely a quarter of the way into the film. Not only are the crew made out to be insultingly disposable, they're also complete and total morons. Now, I know there's a bit of a trope in horror films of the main characters having recently suffered some kind of lobotomy, and even the crew of the original Alien had moments of poor decision making, but Covenant is on some other level of imbecility. Here are just some of the stupid things some of the Covenant crew do in this film;
- A man kicks some alien plant, and sticks his face right up to it and takes a big ol' whiff of the pollen-like stuff that it releases. He gives birth to an alien.
- A woman, who's already seen that the planet is full of hostile aliens, goes off on her own for a bit. An alien joins her.
- A man allows an obviously evil android to lead him down to a dark cellar filled with eggs. Upon enquiring about said eggs, the android suggests he should put his face near one, and HE ACTUALLY DOES IT.
The other big problem for me was the special effects; specifically, the alien creatures. None of the creatures seen in this film look even remotely real or like they're in the scene with the characters. CG has come far enough now that this frankly shouldn't be an issue anymore. Now, I know special effects aren't everything, but in a horror film (especially one like this with less-than Shakespearean writing), the believability of effects, especially creature effects, is a massive part of it, because if your film can't convince me that your monster is there, then I will not be scared of your monster and will not feel scared for your characters (especially when they're all such ignoramuses). As it is, the aliens in this film move a bit too fast, are in the light too much and look like they were rendered for a video game.
Ultimately, if you liked Prometheus, you'll probably get something out of this, but if you're not as invested in the franchise, you're not really missing a whole lot. But now, time for the main course. My great confession. The actual reason behind me writing this post. And, just as a warning, I will be discussing Spoilers for Alien: Covenant, so skip to the end if you haven't seen it and care.
So we have two identical androids, Walter and David, one good, one evil, both played by Michael Fassbender (side note: what purpose did that kiss actually serve, outside of just "ooh, look what we can do with the power of technology!"). As the surviving members of the Covenant crew leave the temple, David and Walter are fighting, yet we don't see the outcome, later seeing Walter meet up with the crew and escape with them. But right at the end of the film, Walter reveals himself, just as protagonist Daniels enters hypersleep, to actually be David, and he proceeds to place two facehugger embryos in with the colonists. What a twist.
Now. Apparently, it's blindingly obvious from as far back as the fight scene that David was going to switch places with Walter, and most people I've seen reviews from talk about how insultingly predictable this is. (You may see where this is going)
So, here's my confession: I didn't realise. Usually, I'm great at noticing and predicting these kinds of plot elements, considering how often I write my own stories and how familiar I 've become with traditional Hollywood plot devices, but this one flew completely under my radar.
But wait, it gets worse.
Not only did I not pick up on this switcheroo, one of the most cliched twists of all time, I was still oblivious during the reveal. Yes, even as the android revealed himself to Daniels, and even when he was planting the embryos, I still didn't catch on. I still thought it was Walter, albeit a newly evilised Walter.
It wasn't unitl I was discussing the film with my best friend, several days later, where he mentioned how obvious that scene was that, after a slight confusion, I finally realised what had happened.
So not only was I caught out by the oldest twist in the book, but I'm so unperceptive as to not even realise the twist when the twist was revealed. And I don't even know what to think of myself anymore.
End of Spoilers
Well, now I've soiled any credibility I had as a film reviewer (certainly as a writer), I guess that's as good a place as any to leave off. This has been therapeutic, I feel like a great weight has been lifted. And who else to trust with my deepest darkest secret* than my readership, comprised of strangers on the Internet? You won't make me some kind of laughing stock, right guys?
Guys?
Alien: Covenant - 2017 - Ridley Scott - USA
Score: 6
Recommendation: Medium
*not actually my deepest darkest secret
EDIT: I've since realised this post has managed to exceed 1000 words, despite what I said in the beginning. Maybe there's some weird curse that prevents me from writing less.
